She

I´m going to see her again. Yup, HER. The one I loved. The one who loved me.

The one who made me feel betrayed although there never was an actual betrayal. 

The one who made me jealous and hurt although I didn´t - and still don´t, for the matter - have a right to feel like this.

I´m still feeling nauseous and sick when I´m merely _thinking_ of her. Oh god, what shall I do, what shall I say, what shall I _feel_?! Because it is HER. She has asked me to come over, and I wasn´t that excitet, and then she was the one who said it was ME who didn´t want that friendship anymore. And maybe she´s right, I´m certainly the one who fucked this whole thing up because I was just too fragile, and I was just too hurt, and I felt as if I couldn´t go on with her, and I couldn´t go on without her. She´s tearing me apart and she doesn´t even know it. She doesn´t even know how much I HURT just thinking about her. I´m so afraid. I don´t know what to do, what to say, what to feel. I probably shouldn´t have accepted the invitation to begin with. But... but I miss her so fucking much.

Despite everything that was and everything that will be, I still fucking miss her. She misses me too, she says. Well, guh, who would´ve guessed. She stopped talking to me. It was always ME who ended up doing the awkward talking stuff when we had issues to discuss. And now... and now SHE has invited me. That changes nothing. That changes everything. I´m so out of my mind right now... I feel so sick. I feel alone. Why the hell isn´t there anybody who helps me and tells me what to do about this mess?! Why the hell do I have to figure it all out by myself? And when exactly did I become so stupidly lonely? Well, I guess I should´ve learned by now that shutting everyone else out and not going out for weeks has its disadvantages. But heey, certain limbs are looking better now than they did before. But again it´s not my sanity, but my parents who are responsible for that.

I´m such a turmoil of emotions right now. 

I need a fucking cigarette.

Heh, at least my last Weiss Kreuz fanfiction did actually make the person happy it was written for. Well, perhaps one thing I´m useful for.