Socialising

Feeling horribly anti-social again.

I hate it. Really. Today I had two friends asking if I wanna come over and join them for some stupid wild party, but I just can´t make myself go. I can´t make myself get up, get out and have some fun unless some _special_ people ask. Yeah, special like in the ones I dearly love.

Dunno why, but sometimes it occurs to me that I have some kind of trust issue. Not that I don´t trust anyone, that´s not true, I just have a weird sense of putting trust in others. It depends on the mood, if I´m feeling all cozy and comfortable or if I´m just happy I often tell the people around me stuff about myself, crazy thouhts, feelings, stuff like that. Usually I consider trust a possible vulnerability. But if everyone knows the "secret thoughts" you have because you "trusted" everyone with them, then you can´t be hurt. At the same time you make your friends feel special because they´re like "omg we´re SO close and sharing secrets and ..." yeah right. But I do not feel comfortable around those people, even if they are my friends on some level.

The ones I really trust are the ones I really love. The ones that I would do anything for. The ones that I feel safe with. Because even if I have a bunch of friends, I only feel really safe with very few of them. These ones know me. They know about all these things that are going on in my life, they know about these fucking depressive days, they know about my insanity, they know how fucking weird I am and they still like me. That´s why I trust them. And that´s why I couldn´t go to this party tonight, cause I just don´t feel comfortable around these other people even if they are my friends. 

k, i know, I probably just need to work on my self esteem and my socializing skills. Or better fuck the socializing. All these "friends" that I don´t trust probably are even better off without me. They don´t need me. They don´t know me. They don´t really care. It´s hard enough to believe anyone care´s at all when they all have their one special person. Love´s natural and real, just not for you, my dear. Alright, I get it. Really, I do. Probably I´m too strange for a relationship. Hey, I can have one night stands without the whole emotional stuff. There has to be one woman in this fucking world who isn´t above screwing some 17 year old small average looking derpressive scared girl, right? But, yanno, the problem is that I´m a romantic at heart. Yeah, under all the rather sarcastic and rational thoughts there is hope and yearning for true love and happiness and all these other clichés that can never be achieved. But a girl can dream...

Really feeling alone tonight. At the same time I´m not sure I want to do something about that. Lately I´m not very actice. My cousin´s the only person making me going to school every fucking day. 
Tried out my new blades some nights ago. They´re expensive hence beautiful. I like them. 
Have to go to the doctor on Monday. Don´t wanna think about it right now. 

There are several addictions in my life. I think addictions are pretty normal, every human needs something constant in his/life, something he/she can rely on. Then you need it more and more, every week, every day until you have a beautiful, wonderful, mindblowing addiction. I´m addicted to physical contact. I need it, I long for it. I´m addicted to my nice blue Gauloise, even though I still believe I could stop if I´d have a reason to. I´m addicted to this beautiful red, but not gonna go there now. I´m addicted to the internet in some way because I prefer to write e-mails over just randomly talk to people I barely know. I depend on my friends cause they´re keeping me alive. 

Addictions are natural. But so is death, so is life. So I probably should start fighting at least some of them now. Heh, let´s start with the "dependance on physical contact and friends" issue. Just staying at home all the time should help.

Sorry for getting all melodramatic again. Typical me, nothing serious.

Tried to call Uru. Somehow didn´t work out, she called me back but strangely the line was cut as soon as I picked up the phone. Heh, telephone´s an´me just don´t get along. But thinking of her, thinking of Tati and all the people I´m gonna see again in May is making me feel better for a moment.

New Wave of Doom

Uhm,  not really. Just me rediscovering some Doom/Prog Metal bands I really really like. Ever heard of Giant Squid? They´re great, not just because of their name! And they have this song featuring Anneke van Giersbergen... Amazing!

Heh, and Anneke really surprised me. Who would´ve figured pretty pop-rocky Anneke had sung on a Napalm Death record?! Stranger things have happened, I know, but it still amuses me.

Which is great because lately I wasn´t really amused by anything. Went to the psychotherapist today for the first time, didn´t tell anyone (except Franzi who knew through a letter, but she´s different cause she´s the one who arranged this). It was just one sitting to find out if I need a therapy or not. Apparently I do. Yay. Just fucking great. Dunno how to feel now after the first meeting with the psycho-woman. I´m not sure if it was such a good idea after all. Sure, maybe she can help me (which would be good, I guess), but I feel so vulnerable when I pour my heart out to someone like her. It´s strange, I know.

I hurt. My stomach´s not feeling alright. That always happens on these days. I hate emotional stress. And then I had to think of her. I really don´t wanna, but everytime I check my mails and she hasn´t answered it hurts like hell. Everytime she´s online and not messaging me I´m so full of hatred and fear and disgust and auto agression and hurt. Everytime I think of her pretty face I want to smile and to sneer with digust at the same time. Then I picture her with her boyfriend, false smiles, false affection, lies, lies, lies, and my smile fades away.  She wanted to meet up with me. Well, I certainly won´t initiate this because I don´t wanna face all these fucking emotions when she stands in front of me.

But that´s not the worst part. The worst thing about it is my longing, my loneliness. I miss her. I miss her so fucking much, every minute I think of her because she was the person who talked to me about everything, she was the person I trusted more, she was the person who knew even the most embarassing things about me, she was the person who made me go crazy, who made me live. 

I feel so lonely now. All the others have their own problems or are happy, I don´t wanna disturb their happiness with my unnecessary, senseless mental bullshit. But I feel so lonely. I´m a very physical person and sometimes they don´t understand what that means. I do not only love to touch and hug people I like, I _need_ to do that. It´s a physical craving, I lie awake at night and yearn for someone to hold me, I see someone I know and instantly want to touch him or her. And I don´t know how to stop this. 

She used to be there for me. I was there for her. We gave each other what we needed, what we wanted, at least I thought we did. I love her so much but the lack of communication slowly leads to hatred.

And with every day I hate her more. But that´s nothing in comparison to my self hatred, my self disgust. Cause I know, I understand, that she isn´t to blame. She could´ve acted differently, but I understand why she did what she did. I know that she´s suffering, just as I am. I´m just so unhappy and I´m afraid I´ll take it out on her. She diserves better. She diserves better than me. I´m mad at the situation, not her. But I think I can´t tell them apart anymore and that´s scaring me.

I´m scaring myself.

Ha, and now I want to see the psychotherapist clean that mess up. 

A Life All Mine

Ich glaube, ich habe heute begriffen, warum ich mich gerne so gehen lasse. 

Das ist gar nicht so einfach, wie man denkt. Ich kann recht pflichtbewusst sein, das heißt ich passe zum Beispiel in der Schulzeit auf, dass ich genug esse und viel schlafe. Ich lerne für Tests. Ich versuche, hin und wieder am Familienleben teil zu haben und die zickende Teenage-Tochter darzustellen, deren Rolle ich mir irgendwie angewöhnt habe. Weil es normal so ist. Weil ich sagen kann, dass es normal ist.

Aber sobald Ferien sind, sobald ich allein bin, läuft alles anders. Das Übliche eben. Lange Nächte am PC sind Socialising genug, wenn man mich fragt. Zu viel Schlaf. Zu wenig Luft. Zu viel Nikotin. Zu wenig Licht. Zu wenig Nahrung, wenn überhaupt. Und hin und wieder ein Flecken rot. Ich mag die Farbe sehr gerne, habe ich das schon erwähnt? Rot und schwarz passen sehr schön zusammen, auch abseits des ganzen Gothic-Klischees.

Aber ich will mich ja nicht zerstören. Ich will mich ja eigentlich nicht schlecht fühlen, jedenfalls nicht permanent. Warum also dieses Verhalten? Wem will ich damit etwas beweisen, wenn ich doch dann letztendlich allein in die Nacht hinein lebe?

Die Antwort ist einfacher als gedacht. Natürlich will ich mir selbst etwas beweisen, so ist das ja immer. Klischees sind nicht umsonst Klischees. Aber heute habe ich zum ersten Mal begriffen, was ich mir eigentlich damit deutlich machen will.

"A life all mine to lose."

Besser kann man es kaum ausdrücken, finde ich. Unser Leben hat oft genug den Anschein, nicht uns zu gehören. Andere Menschen verletzen uns, allgemeine äußere Umstände führen zur persönlichen Katastrophe, wir opfern uns für andere Menschen oder es ist eben einfach Schicksal. Wir haben damit kaum etwas zu tun, außer vielleicht zur falschen Zeit am falschen Ort zu sein. Andere entscheiden über unser Leben, das denken wir oft. Aber das stimmt nicht. Ich muss es mir auch immer wieder bewusst machen und lebe noch nicht danach, aber was bleibt ist doch mein eigenes Leben. Meins. Und erst wenn ich mein Leben freiwillig wegschmeiße, wenn ich mich scheinbar selbst verliere, erst dann wird mir klar, dass es eben doch mein Leben ist. Das ich entscheiden kann. Ich kann mein Leben selbst beenden, wenn ich das möchte. Ich kann mein Leben verschwenden, wenn ich das will. Ich kann auch neu anfangen und alles umgestalten. Es liegt alles in meiner Kraft. Leider will ich nichts davon, oder alles zugleich, ich weiß es nicht.

Aber es gehört mir. Ich kann freiwillig das tun, was ansonsten erzwungen wird. Das ist die ultimative Freiheit, die größte Selbstbestimmung, die ich mir vorstellen kann.

Und was hat mir die Lösung gebracht? Wieder einmal Anneke. 

~ Razor sharp I cut
The bull from my life
Too blunt your knife
To slay this dreamer

We might be dogs astray
No running line will hold us
So rather kick and kill me
I'll be butchered all the same

No words are spoken
But the world is broken

'Cause I want something
Something all wrong done
A life instead of mere living
Folding crumbling withering oh hell
What difference when working the way

The crown of my work
Is what I shall gain
At the end of my days

Daylight awake to a puppet world
No strings attach to this body of mine
Folding crumbling withering oh well
The punished pushed along the line
All my actions, all my moves
A life all mine to lose

The crown of my work
A life all mine to lose
A life all mine
Is what I choose
At the end of my days  ~