New Wave of Doom

Uhm,  not really. Just me rediscovering some Doom/Prog Metal bands I really really like. Ever heard of Giant Squid? They´re great, not just because of their name! And they have this song featuring Anneke van Giersbergen... Amazing!

Heh, and Anneke really surprised me. Who would´ve figured pretty pop-rocky Anneke had sung on a Napalm Death record?! Stranger things have happened, I know, but it still amuses me.

Which is great because lately I wasn´t really amused by anything. Went to the psychotherapist today for the first time, didn´t tell anyone (except Franzi who knew through a letter, but she´s different cause she´s the one who arranged this). It was just one sitting to find out if I need a therapy or not. Apparently I do. Yay. Just fucking great. Dunno how to feel now after the first meeting with the psycho-woman. I´m not sure if it was such a good idea after all. Sure, maybe she can help me (which would be good, I guess), but I feel so vulnerable when I pour my heart out to someone like her. It´s strange, I know.

I hurt. My stomach´s not feeling alright. That always happens on these days. I hate emotional stress. And then I had to think of her. I really don´t wanna, but everytime I check my mails and she hasn´t answered it hurts like hell. Everytime she´s online and not messaging me I´m so full of hatred and fear and disgust and auto agression and hurt. Everytime I think of her pretty face I want to smile and to sneer with digust at the same time. Then I picture her with her boyfriend, false smiles, false affection, lies, lies, lies, and my smile fades away.  She wanted to meet up with me. Well, I certainly won´t initiate this because I don´t wanna face all these fucking emotions when she stands in front of me.

But that´s not the worst part. The worst thing about it is my longing, my loneliness. I miss her. I miss her so fucking much, every minute I think of her because she was the person who talked to me about everything, she was the person I trusted more, she was the person who knew even the most embarassing things about me, she was the person who made me go crazy, who made me live. 

I feel so lonely now. All the others have their own problems or are happy, I don´t wanna disturb their happiness with my unnecessary, senseless mental bullshit. But I feel so lonely. I´m a very physical person and sometimes they don´t understand what that means. I do not only love to touch and hug people I like, I _need_ to do that. It´s a physical craving, I lie awake at night and yearn for someone to hold me, I see someone I know and instantly want to touch him or her. And I don´t know how to stop this. 

She used to be there for me. I was there for her. We gave each other what we needed, what we wanted, at least I thought we did. I love her so much but the lack of communication slowly leads to hatred.

And with every day I hate her more. But that´s nothing in comparison to my self hatred, my self disgust. Cause I know, I understand, that she isn´t to blame. She could´ve acted differently, but I understand why she did what she did. I know that she´s suffering, just as I am. I´m just so unhappy and I´m afraid I´ll take it out on her. She diserves better. She diserves better than me. I´m mad at the situation, not her. But I think I can´t tell them apart anymore and that´s scaring me.

I´m scaring myself.

Ha, and now I want to see the psychotherapist clean that mess up.